Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
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We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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