I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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