I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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