Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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