2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
