is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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