I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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