An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
