Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
