shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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