Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
