i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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