what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
