Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
