Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
