I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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