Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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