cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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