I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
