If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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