she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
