She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
