I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
