Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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