after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
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Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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