if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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