Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
