it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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