Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
