I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby