She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
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Are sex swings allowed in dorms
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out