The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad