as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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