He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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