He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
