hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.