If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?