You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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