I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
