Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
