I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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