You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
