I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
