Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
