woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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