Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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