If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
