so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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