I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
