and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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