my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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