just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
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I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing