My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.