Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
