I hate all girls vehemently.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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