My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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