in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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