I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
