I bet he comes in French.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
