There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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