Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Text me some of your sweat
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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