When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
